=zarah=

There are times when…

…it feels like life is going nowhere.

…nothing feels right.

…everything I do seems wrong.

…there’s this unworthy feeling. Unworthy of His love, unworthy of my friends, of all His blessings.

…I wish I was someone else, living another lifestyle.

…I wish I can be a child again, no problems, no responsibilities, no heartaches and suffering.

…I feel like there is more but I don’t know how to get there.

…everyone seems to be living a better life than mine and I feel so envious, so embarrassed of my life.

…I feel so guilty, so dirty, full of sin and that I can’t go to His presence anymore.

…I’m so fed up with everything that’s happening, I wish I can just go to some far away land and never come back.

…I’m so fearful, fearful of the unknown, fearful of the future, fearful of the things that can happen and the things that won’t happen.

…I’m so frustrated, frustrated because I keep wishing, wanting more.

…I don’t see anything good in me, anything that can tell me I’m no the right track, that I can make it.

…I just wish someone would be there to encourage me, someone I can talk to and pour my heart out.

Unfortunately, I’m in that time of my life now. But unlike before, I’m learning how to deal with it. I won’t say I’m so much better than before, that I can take care of myself and feel better in minutes, because I can’t. It still takes a few days. I’m just so thankful that every time I go through this, after those times I feel closer to the Lord. I know it will happen. Whatever His plan is for my life, it will take place. When? I don’t know. I just know that it will. That’s what keeps me going…

You say, I like her
I say, I love you.
You say, I wish I can have her
I say, I wish i can be with you.
You say, she’s always in my dreams
I say, you’re always in my thoughts.
You say,how I wish she’ll see my charms.
I say, how I wish you’ll know I exist.

You say, she’s the most beautiful girl on earth
I say, I can’t ever measure to her.
You say, she’s the only one I want.
I say, I’ll always be here for you.

You say,

Will it always be this way?
You wanting her and me wanting you.
Won’t there ever be a time when we both can say…
“I’m glad you’re mine and I am yours”

Okay. I won’t say I’m totally satisfied yet. I’d still like to marry a prince, live in a palace, have 10 girls to assist me with dressing, prepare my bath, clean my room for me…yeah, right! No, seriously… I still haven’t reached my dreams of becoming successful and not lacking anything, that’s all I want. But, I can honestly say that I’m most satisfied now than I’ve ever been in my life, and happier too.

I’ve got a new job, new friends, new hairstlye (eeww), etc. I have my family with me, and we’re closest now than ever. I can say, as well, that I’m much closer to the Lord and much deeper in my spiritual life.

Hmm.. So what else do I need in life right now? A lot, of course! But, number one would be my Mom’s complete healing. It hurts me every time I see her in pain, every time she’s having difficulty walking or doing household chores. I’m not losing hope and faith. I know that she will be healed completely.

That’s my greatest desire…

So, I’ve been back here in Philippines for 6 months now. And yeah, so many things has changed since then. I’ve been happy, sad, happy again and then sad again. Of course, that’s life, right?

I have friends now that I’ve met personally. I’m also working now in a company that has a lot of Filipinos, so I don’t feel out of place. Something happened that lessened my happiness, but I know some time soon I’ll get over it. (I hope) But so far, life in Philippines has been great. I mean, what more can I ask? I have Daddy, Mommy and Kay with me now. I also have my relatives near. Plus, like I said, I have new friends. So, sooner or later, I’ll get over this misery that I’m in now.

All in all, I thank God for everyday. He’s really great. Blessing me with more than I can imagine, even though I don’t deserve it.

…Life is almost perfect…

So, I’ve been back here in Philippines for 6 months now. And yeah, so many things has changed since then. I’ve been happy, sad, happy again and then sad again. Of course, that’s life, right?

I have friends now that I’ve met personally. I’m also working now in a company that has a lot of Filipinos, so I don’t feel out of place. Something happened that lessened my happiness, but I know some time soon I’ll get over it. (I hope) But so far, life in Philippines has been great. I mean, what more can I ask? I have Daddy, Mommy and Kay with me now. I also have my relatives near. Plus, like I said, I have new friends. So, sooner or later, I’ll get over this misery that I’m in now.

All in all, I thank God for everyday. He’s really great. Blessing me with more than I can imagine, even though I don’t deserve it.

…Life is almost perfect…

                      Gone

            Laying down on my bed

           Thinking about what took place

            Still not believing that my love,

            You are gone.

            I close my red and swollen eyes

            Fell asleep with you in my mind

            Memories of us flashes before me

            Arousing sensation deeper than pain.

            Then I open my eyes to reach out to you

            Darkness and silence surrounding me

            Hitting me with the reality..

            That my love, you are gone.

This is my first post and it will be a negative one. I’ve been deceived by someone I thought loves me so much. I loved this person so much. Gosh! I still can’t believe it.

I never thought that I would lose my mind

That I could control this

I never thought that I’d be left behind

That I was stronger than you.

*sighs*

‘Til next post. I don’t really know what to say anyway. I don’t even think anyone will read this.